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Single Mom Seeking Has Moved!
I’ve been thinking about how to make my blog more user-friendly for all of you, so that you can subscribe daily and get more links.
Thanks to some fine-tuned tech help, I’ve moved my blog to my site, Single Mom Seeking.
Please save the URL to my blog’s new home.
Or, even better, subscribe via RSS or get each posting via email through the FeedBlitz link. See you there!
Single Mom Book Give Away Contest!
Have you read Emily Listfield’s single mom dating column in Redbook? I followed her this year and I’m a huge fan. So, when I heard that Emily’s novel, Waiting to Surface, was coming out this fall, I couldn’t wait to read it.
Waiting to Surface is based on Emily’s own life experiences: in 1999, when she was working as an editor at Self magazine, her sculptor husband disappeared in Florida and was never found.
I’m thrilled that Emily agreed to be a guest today at Single Mom Seeking’s blog. Please read on to find out how you can win a copy of her novel!
Q: I love how the single mom protagonist, Sarah, goes from a place of such sadness — “She wondered if that was her future, joining the ranks of the city’s single mothers too tired to cook, forcing snippets of conversation with children…” — to a place of hope and renewal. Was that part of your journey in real life, too?
Emily: “Despite whatever pain any of us must face at times, a point comes where you have to make a choice about how you want to spend the rest of your life and the example you want to set for your children. That doesn’t mean the sadness goes away, but that you allow other things to enter. So yes, this is my experience….I think being open to finding love again is really important - what other choice makes sense?”
Q: I imagine that this book very emotional to write. You had some lines in here that made me stop. For example, my ex was an alcoholic, too. He always said what the protagonist’s husband said: “I drink to quiet the voices in my head.”
Emily: “In a funny way, being honest about my husband’s alcoholism was one of the hardest parts of writing this novel. For a long time, I felt shame about it and deciding to be completely open about it was good for me - and I hope helpful for other people in similar situations.”
Q: I love what you write about living with uncertainty. Can you add something about why it’s so hard to live with uncertainty?
Emily: “Well, we are a society that has come to expect ‘closure’ as our right — but it’s not always possible. And without firm answers, it is hard to come to terms with something, understand it and move on. It is harder to give up hope and far easier to get stuck in limbo. Someone told me to think about it as a locked room. You can knock on that door for the rest of your life but you’ll never get in. At a certain point, you have to make the decision to walk away from it. That doesn’t mean you’re not always aware of it but you have to accept that uncertainty will be a part of your life. It is by far the hardest part of my personal story, though.”
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So, mamas, here’s the Book Give Away Contest:
Emily says that she found closure by thinking about her situation “as a locked room. You can knock on that door for the rest of your life but you’ll never get in. At a certain point, you have to make the decision to walk away from it.”
In the comments section, please tell us how you found closure.
My super star kid will be picking the winner from a hat, and I’ll personally mail Waiting to Surface to you!
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P.S. As an author who agonized over writing sex scenes, I couldn’t help but ask Emily why birth control or condoms were never mentioned in her sex scenes. Emily says this was her call, not her editor’s: “First of all, I don’t really describe the act itself in much detail, so it seemed natural to leave birth control out. I assume the reader can take it as a given and use his/her imagination a bit.”
P.P.S.
A reader just emailed me: “Rachel, When you have contests, could you please include a date for the drawing so we know how much time we have to enter? (If I missed it, I apologize!) This would help those of us interested but busy!”
Thanks! Of course, busy single mamas… you have the whole week to comment! Please comment by Sunday, Dec. 9th. The winner will be announced soon after.
Interview with star of “Sex and Single Mom”!
Today, at “FameBaby,” I’m having a little chat with Gail O’Grady (“NYPD Blue,” “American Dreams”) the single mom star in the Lifetime movie “Sex and the Single Mom.”
Gail O’Grady is also the single mom of a four-year-old son in real life. And tomorrow night, (Saturday, Dec. 1, 9 p.m./8 p.m. C) she stars in the premiere Hallmark Original Movie called “All I Want For Christmas.”
Yes, I know you’ve heard this storyline before: a single mother whose husband died seven years ago, and now she has no love life. Gail O’Grady plays Sara, the single mom, and here’s the holiday twist: her son, Jesse (Jimmy Jax Pinchak, “The Polar Express”), enters a toy company contest that asks children for their greatest Christmas wish. He asks for a new husband for his mom. Sara soon finds herself in a whirlwind of dates, with cameras following her every move.
You can read the full blog today at BabyCenter’s “FameBaby.”
For my single mom readers here, I asked Gail O’Grady to please tell us:
“Do you think that movies in which single moms star are becoming more mainstream? In other words, do you think that there’s less stigma nowadays around single mothers who are dating?”
Gail O’Grady says:
“When you realize the divorce rate in this country is 50%, I don’t think there is any stigma to single mothers dating today. I think they portray single mothers more on television — for example, Reba, Lorelai Gilmore, Terri Hatcher’s character on “Desperate Housewives” — than in the movies because people can relate.”
What do you think?
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Photo of Gail O’Grady and Jimmy Jax Pinchak courtesy of www.hallmarkchannelpress.com
Every Solo Mom Needs a Good Man
No, not that kind of man!
That’s what I claim in my latest column for Lifetime TV.
Find out why single parents need to find good guy buddies before finding a lover — for their own sake and their child’s.
Single Dad Seeking…
I’m dying to know what you all think of this:
A single dad I know — who prefers to remain anonymous — recently posted this ad on Craig’s List.
FREE Great Room
This ad is real and there are no ulterior motives attached to it. I have a great room in my great home I share with my son. I am a single dad.
Here’s the story: I’ve been on my own since the age of 17, basically. Since 13, I have cooked all my meals. But, you know, I’m getting older and frankly I’m tired of cooking for myself. And my bones are starting to ache and that’s because I work out a lot. (see pic)
Now here’s the deal:
You can have a great room in a great house with a garden, big aquarium, lots of books and fossils for FREE, absolutely free, but you have to do two things for me:
One - I’d like you for cook my son and me. Healthy meals with lots of vegetables. And not 3 meals a day. The occasional breakfast and dinner Monday to Friday.
Two- AND NO HANKY PANKY HERE - I’d like the person renting the room to give me a back massage 3-5X a week for 30-60 minutes. Again, NO HANKY PANKY.
I’ve been alone for so long, I have a feeling that if I have the meals and massage I’ll be improving the quality of my life. I’ll age better. I’m actually a great cook but I am so tired of doing it.
My son is a wonderful boy, balanced and soulful. I’m a wonderful guy, too.
My house is located in _____, where all the great stores and restaurants are.
The person who takes me up on this offer must be quiet at night and know that we pretty much shut off all TV and music at around 11pm.
So if you think you’re the guy or woman who can fit the bill, I hope to hear from you.
Sincerely,
E.
So, please tell me:
- Would you have the guts to post something similar, a-la single mom?
- Would you respond to this ad?
Photo courtesy of Chris27 at www.sxc.hu/
Beware of the Child/Dog Lover
I’d love to know: Who was your last date with?
Was he “The Just Your Average Steve,” who “most likely works in computers”?
“He’s moderately attractive, successful, and looking for a nice, average girl to settle down with and have 2.5 kids, a Golden Retriever, and an average-sized yard in a housing development in some generic suburb.”
Or, was he “The Scorned,” who is “not over his ex-girlfriend”?
“If you do meet this guy, tell him to call you when he’s done grieving–”
Maybe he was “The Artist,” who dropped out of art school and now works at Kinko’s?
“Dude, sketching in your notepad does not classify you as an artist, sorry…Your date will be something that doesn’t cost any money, because he has none.”
Or, no, he was The Cling-On,” right?
“After a couple of good IM sessions, he thinks you’re his girlfriend. As soon as you log on, he will be waiting for you. Thirty seconds after you’ve signed into IM, he pops up saying hello. If you don’t respond right away, he’ll get all worried. He’ll say things like, ‘What? Am I not as hot as the guys you usually date? You know I’m so sick of games. I thought you were different.’ He’s a psycho.”
If you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about, check out this hilarious round-up of Colette’s “10 Guys You Meet Online.”
You know very well that my last man was “The Children/Dog Lover,” whose online profile (still) describes how much he loves kids and dogs. If I’d read Colette’s blog a couple of years ago, I would have been forewarned that “This guy should make you wary because it seems like he’s trying too hard to show you how lovable he is…What’s next, him posing with a basket of kittens in a nursery of newborn babies? Stay away from this one.”
P.S. Thank you to my local single dad buddy, Alan, who sent this to me!
Have you ever Googled your date?
Recently, I posted about Dating Sites for Single Moms and you had a lot to say (thanks!). As promised, Karen from Online Dating is back. Remember: this woman wrote her entire dissertation at the University of Southern California on that topic exactly: “Online Dating.”
“Just how does a single mom get online and start dating?” Karen asks.
“Since I do not have any children myself, I passed this question onto my 23 year old sister whose husband had left her two years ago. She has two children. She works two jobs to make ends meet. She told me that after the divorce — and healing process, which took about a year — she decided to put herself back out on the proverbial market. She got together with some girlfriends and started going out to bars and clubs on a semi monthly basis. She told me that she met tons of guys who ‘just adored children’… but seemed to be out for a one-night stand only.”
“Match.com and Yahoo! Personals were next for her. While she did meet some nice guys, they just weren’t what she was looking for. Her main concern was the safety and well-being of her children so she made this very clear from the get-go that she had a responsibility to them first.”
“How does a single mom safely date online?”
“Be on your toes at all times and trust your instinct. If you meet a potential match online, make it clear to him that you have children and they are your priority in life.”
“You can also ‘research’ the men you are talking to. One good way is to get their email addresses and any other personal information you can (without sounding like you are probing). Take his email address and go to Google and enter it in. You would be surprised at the quantity and quality of information you can find out about someone by just Googling his email address. If his email address does not turn up any matches in Google, then try deleting the “@….com” part.”
“For example: If the email address is “greatdad123@aol.com,” then you would take out the ‘@’ part and see what ‘greatdad123′ would produce in a search. If the guy you are talking to is not Internet savvy, then his entire online life could be presented to you for your review. Chat forum postings, eBay listings, personal websites….anything and anywhere that this person has entered his email address in, chances are Google will pick it up.”
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Single mamas, do tell: Have you ever Googled a man before a date?
P.S. Over the past few years, I’ve never gone out on a date until I’ve Googled him first! Of course, I’ve had the tables turned, when he has Googled me, too. Oh boy.
‘When are you getting married?’
Exactly one year ago, it seemed like everyone wanted to know when the Israeli and I were getting married.
Well, everyone except for my best girlfriends, who knew that the Israeli was not the right man for me.
Last year, I was a monthly columnist at San Francisco’s J Weekly, during which I learned a hard lesson about what happens when you put your private life in print. Readers whom I didn’t know were emailing: “Are you engaged yet?” Parents of my daughter’s friends were stopping me on the sidewalk: “Congratulations! You’re in love!” Even the receptionist at Mae’s after-school program wanted to know if we had a wedding date.
Around this time last year, our relationship was falling apart. It was as if I’d taken the wrong turn — that happens to me a lot, you can ask my daughter about my sense of direction. My expectations of love were so big I was going to burst.
Moreover, some of my readers started to send me nasty letters. Like “Linda,” a local married mother of three who was beside herself because I’d let my daughter get close to the Israeli (after we’d been dating for a few months).
Dear Rachel,
I was appalled by your column this week. I understand that as a single mother you must be lonely. I can understand you wanting a boyfriend. But why must your daughter, a little girl, need a boyfriend, too?
How do you expect her to be at age 16, with you as a role model? Is your goal to be a grandmother in 10 years?… How many other guys has she met? Why can’t you keep your dating life private? If you and The Israeli break up, must she be broken-hearted too? Your daughter DESERVES a man: her dad, her grandpa, her uncle - not your current fling.
Her need for stability and for your full attention is more important than your need to date.
Thanks Linda. I agree with her about keeping your dating life private. But what happens when you do meet a man and date him for a good while? There are no red flags. After much time together and many deep talks, you see that you both want the same things out of a relationship. When is it acceptable to take the next step and introduce your child?
What do you think?
P.S. I think I’m going the right direction now. I hope so.
Photo: When I look at this picture of us last year, I can’t help but notice how tightly I was holding onto him. Too tightly? Yikes.
How to be a mother
If you have not read this week’s essay for Leslie Morgan Steiner’s “On Balance” guest blog at WashingtonPost.com, it’s time.
I’ve always been a huge fan of Steiner’s, and I even wrote an essay last year for her about trying to date as a single mom. (And subsequently got clobbered by her readers for it.)
In “For Henry,” attorney and single mom Jill Lakin Schatz writes:
My ex-husband was chronically unemployed and totally uninterested in our child. He hit me once when Henry was a little less than six months old. The police came.
My ex-husband called the next morning from jail. “So, are you happy now? I will see you later.” The order of protection prevented him from seeing me later; three more orders of protection kept him away.
Henry and I have been on our own since then. He is four now.
The essay is a short, loving glimpse into learning how to parent on your own, as you make mistakes. It’s about wanting to be the kind of mother who “would have slain any and all dragons to keep him safe and warm and cuddled in his bed under the quilt with the brightly colored cars and trucks on it.”
But single moms, listen up: beware of those nasty comments. I don’t know what’s up with some of these wackos. Maybe they have way too much time on their hands with the holiday.
In any case, speak up if you have a moment between cranberries and pumpkin pie.
